This Critical Communication Skill actually "conflicts" with your Basic Conditioning: Its called LISTENING

Do you realize that you may NOT KNOW 

How to Listen Properly?

A point of interest is that most of us are taught and encouraged to "speak". Not counting "womb-time" you might say the very first thing you learned was that your "speaking" was rewarded.

Moments after your birth, the very first sound you made, your first cry, got you immediate attention, warmth, comfort, security, and cheers of joy. And with a few exceptions, your mind never forgets anything... ever!  And that's where you're "Basic Conditioning" started.


Fast-forward to present day, you were taught how to speak intelligently, to write, to read, to think, solve problems, etc., etc..  But can you recall ever being taught "how to listen"?  And I'm not referring to just shutting-up and waiting for someone else to finish talking for "your turn".

Regardless of the type, distance, or content of conversation, here are ten (10) items that a practiced "good listener" DOES NOT DO  (I'm certain that, as I found, some of these will bring an immediate "ouch!" to mind):

• Don't tell "your story". Being silent during the other person's volley is excellent, but when it's your turn, unless specifically asked, no matter how tempted you may be, DO NOT follow with YOUR STORY.. AT ALL!  Stay with THEIR SUBJECT.  Otherwise you'll be saying "I really wasn't listening to YOU..  but here's MY STORY...".
• Don't "formulate a response" while the other person is talking.  Wait until they're done.. Give a few seconds pause (to digest), and then respond.  If you were truly listening your response should come naturally. Sure you may take notes, but remember that you're listening for not just "content", but most importantly THEIR "emotions"!
• Don't "finish sentences" for the other person. Not only does it insult them with interruptions, it says that you are listening to only content and probably NOT what is really being said. It does NOT say that you "think alike".
• Don't "solve problems for them".  Unless you're asked, don't jump to the conclusion that you need to give them advice or a solution to their situation.  Don't automatically respond with YOUR solution.  Your job is to listen... They can solve their own problems.  They may simply be using you as a "sounding board". In which case they already have the solution.  If in doubt, ASK "And what may I do to help you?" (What do you expect of me by telling me this?)
• Don't "give broad reassurance".  In response to a dilemma saying things like "You'll be fine"... "You're tough, you can handle it"...  "Don't worry, everything will be OK" is useless.
  
• Don't "play God".  Doing "judgement" as to whether a person is right or wrong in your eyes is often aggravating and useless.  And you're probably telling them that at the point where you "judged them", you had already stopped listening.
• Don't do a "Me Too".  Refers to the "same thing happened to me.  Again, this yanks the focus "away" from them and onto you... Definitely says that you didn't care and you weren't listening!
• Don't do "Mind Reading". If you're not a bonafide psychic don't think that you can read the other person's mind. You may have a vague idea about what they're thinking, but chances are that you're only making an assumption.  Wait and listen to "what" they're saying and especially "how" they're saying it.
  
• Don't "Straighten them out".  As with "judging", folks certainly don't  need you telling them where they went wrong! Unless you're specifically asked, just DON'T! 
• Don't use a "hardened attitude".  If you use a mindset of "absolutes" as your guide, you've already lost.  Folks probably won't even bother to talk to you.  But if they do, you must remain "neutral" for YOUR mind to "listen" in the first place.   

 If you're going to be a truly successful listener, i.e.: a person that folks will really open up to, in addition to avoiding the "Don't's" try these DO's as well:

• DO emulate a "psycho-analyst" or a "psychiatrist".  
• DO Listen objectively with your heart and mind. Try to "feel" what the other person says...  and by all means let them finish verbalizing their thoughts before you draw any conclusions.
• DO take notes if you like.
• DO interrupt the other person ONLY if it's to gently "guide" them back on-track, or there's a matter that absolutely "cannot wait".